Problems
by Ascarda Astachi
Summary: Everyone has problems, the teenage population of Konoha included. But when they go to Kakashi of all people for advice; he's stuck. Now he has problems. Little does he know that he himself is causing these teens to come to him with their problems- so he is therefore causing his own problems. KakaIru SasuNaru Oneshot


How Kakashi, the great copy-nin of Konohagakure, renowned ninja and citizen of the hidden leaf village, known around fire country for being the worst social being on the planet; gets himself into these situations is beyond even his genius mind. He was unsociable, socially troubled, socially blunt and constantly bored (socially)—so why do people feel the need to communicate or associate with him so…socially?

It was strange (a severe understatement) when people started asking questions; they were simple questions, ones he didn't think much of, simple things from Naruto and Sakura that were expected; "Why doesn't Sasuke-kun love me?" Or, "Why does Iruka-sensei even like you?"  
Things he could deal with, brush off or ignore. But then things changed; something in the air around him seemed to have shifted and the teenage ninja with noses like bloodhounds sensed his change. They swarmed him with - - with all these _personal issues _and _feelings_, like they had been waiting for an opening from any adult, and it just so happened to be him. Soon there was a line of hopeless teenagers hovering around him; they didn't line up per-se, but they lingered and loitered in corners until he was free and swarmed; clawing and shouting for the Jounin's limited advice and attention.

He knew the day the great Hyuga Neji graciously asked for relationship advice (of all things) was the day he was, officially and once-and-for-all, screwed. The pale-eyed genius was noble and subtle in his questions, but it was the principle that even people such as reserved and arrogant rich-kids were asking for help from him- and he hadn't even given them a reason too.

But _this_, this was a new level of absurd.

It was hideously wrong on so many levels he started questioning himself; was he even here? Was he asleep, had he always been asleep? Will he wake up and be a lonely Chuunin once again? Was his brain in a jar somewhere after having been extracted by the enemy? Was he in a coma, after failing an A-rank and Tsunade was hovering over him while he dreamed- Calling him a moron?

Or something up there really, really, _really did not like him. _

Uchiha Sasuke, Avenger of the Uchiha clan in all of his stoic and spikey-haired glory, emotionless since birth and filled with angst and unresolved separation issues due to an overly dependent and perplexing brother complex, and a severe dislike of the female half of the village (probably due to afore-mentioned brother complex and a growing fascination with murder and revenge) was asking for advice. On relationships. From Kakashi.

"…Kakashi?"

Hatake, the great leaf-ninja, was actually an agony aunt to the horrifically irritating younger generation of angsting teenagers in the community of Konoha. He grimaced behind his mask as an Uchiha foot was tapped against the grassy floor in front of him.  
He straightened against the tree and put down his Icha Icha. It just got _real._

"Repeat that?"

"I want Naruto."

"…I'm sorry?"

There was a soft groan, but the Uchiha repeated himself nonetheless; "I want Naruto."

"Want… as in want to fight him? Kill him? Use him as a fan-girl shield?" he struggled to find what the Uchiha actually meant when he said 'want', there had to be a logical explanation for this; why would Sasuke 'want' _Naruto? _They hate… _Ohh…_

"_Ohh…"_

"Ohh?"

This made sense, his team always had a strange love triangle! Oh god… his team had a love triangle?

"Kakashi! Do you think this is funny?"

"Sorry Uchiha, but when you say _want…" _He made vague gestures with his hands that were followed by dark eyes, swinging his hands around as if he was deciding on which action to make with them and then switching to another.

"…In my bed, Kakashi."

His hands dropped to his sides and he threw his silver head back in exasperation, groaning and flopping like a toddler having a tantrum. How do kids know these things?

"Sasuke, you like- twelve-"

"I'm seventeen, Kakashi."

The elder Jounin briefly registered the idea (and the fact Sasuke was tall, dark and handsome; well, more so than before) that several years had passed and that Naruto and the other annoying teens were now having hormones, but waved his hand as if dismissing it.

"You'll always be twelve to me."

"…Thanks?"

He stopped waving his hand in favour of shoving them in his pockets and leaning against the tree behind him; briefly noting Shikamaru (one of the few teens who had kept their distance) asleep on the grassy hills across form him.

"So the big mighty Sasuke if having feelings for our little Naru-chan?"

He chuckled as dark eyes narrowed on him and a small growl erupted from a pale throat; but it serves him right for asking for _advice._

"…Yes, if you wish to put it that way."

There was a brief and awkward silence, before something dawned on Kakashi that he could answer.

"Why me?"

"..What?"

"Why has everyone come to me for advice?"

"Well, you're my sensei-"

"Pfff-" he made a noise similar to the teens who ask of him when he says something useless like _"ask your parents." _Which never seemed to work on teenagers (it certainly didn't work on Neji or now with Sasuke), and then thought of why people still thought he was an appropriate source of salvation, if he was taking more from them than they take from him "-We both know that doesn't mean anything."

"Well, you seem to be having a pretty good relationship, now about Naruto-"

Sasuke was suddenly stopped by a hand bracing over his mouth in such a rude and obstructing gesture it actually silenced him; and he briefly registered killing intent in the air before everything was silent; Kakashi's hand still inappropriately on his mouth.

"Tell me Sasuke, why you have come to me?"

The Uchiha wrestled his way out of Kakashi's grasp; the man's hands holding his chin and neck uncomfortably as he whispered close to his face; even the silver-haired man could admit he was being a little intense, but this was his free time he was trying to save!

"Because," the Uchiha stated as he stepped away from the slightly worrying man in front of him; brushing imaginary dirt from his stomach and trousers "You seem to be a lot more approachable now you're with Iruka."

For a moment, Kakashi thought he would explode; literally, mentally and metaphorically (although, he had never metaphorically exploded before). So it was all… _his _fault… He knew it!

"I... I've been with Iruka sensei for years now?" he defended, for reasons he didn't even understand since he was already on his way past Sasuke- - who was as confused as when they started talking, only he was more offended.

"Yes but he recently announced told his students about that birthday stunt you pulled, and word gets out. Cute, by the way, would a promise ring get Naruto to like me?"

"Just… tie him to your bed or something…" Kakashi suggested, but walked on past him in favour of storming towards Iruka's office. He passed several teenagers who were waiting for Sasuke to leave –many actually intent on asking how to _get _Sasuke- and Anko winking at him and dangling he left hand in his face; an obvious pun at the ring Kakashi had gotten for his dolphin.

* * *

Iruka sat at his desk well into four in the afternoon on most days; so it was easy to find him at the academy, sorting through confiscated notes. Several depicted him in a wedding dress, since pre-Genin didn't seem to understand the concept of a promise ring, not and engagement ring. He allowed a chuckle to fill the room as one showed him pinned to a tree with many kunai and Konohamaru standing with a triumphant grin on his stick figure face.

_Children. _The bane and purpose of his existence.

Kakashi was on his desk a moment later; but he didn't jump as many would. He was a teacher; he could handle a simple Jounin, especially Kakashi.

"Iruka, I have-"

"Off the desk."

Kakashi moved off of Iruka's desk on reflex, then stopped himself halfway; one leg awkwardly touching the floor. "No." he defied, much like a child, and sat back up on the desk with his arms crossed and bottom securely thumped on Iruka's students' tests. "This is all _your fault_ anyway."

A chocolate brow was raised. "My fault? Care to expand, Hatake?"

Kakashi inwardly shivered at the use of his surname, and he had worked so hard to get here!

"…Sasuke came to see me today."

"That's very nice of him to go and see his sensei-"

"No my dear Ruru, he came to see me for _advice."_

"…So?"

Iruka thought he could see a fizz and crackle erupt form Kakashi's ears as the man slumped; dismay and disbelief clearing shining in a visible eye as the man leaned forward; hands bracing on the table either dies of Iruka's folded arms.

"Haven't you noticed?"

"…Noticed?"

"The teenagers!" hands were thrown in the air as the Jounin made uncomfortable hand signals and motions that made the cheap school desk he sat on sway and creak, "they all swarm to me! I've had Neji, now Sasuke, Sakura, Ino, Kiba- even Shino come to me for advice! Of course, most came about each other- but it's the principle Iruka!"

"…Ok?"

"Ok! Iruka, this is a problem! They all think-" Kakashi feigned the voice of the teenagers that approached him, but since they were all so different Iruka wasn't sure which one it was "-_Because you've had such a lovely relationship with Iruka, you must be good at advice, _Sasuke said something along those lines anyway."

The teacher resisted giggling, but a snort still escaped. "So what if they want help- wait, Sasuke?" Iruka suddenly connected dots, remembering one of the times Naruto had let slip about "special feelings" he held for him once.

"Yeah, he- oh no, I'm not telling you this until you admit it's your fault."

Iruka grunted at the childishness of his lover, but he worked with children so he could easily work around it; and could work even more easily around admitting it was "his fault".

"Yes Kakashi, I'm sorry I've made this relationship between us so incredible- now please continue."

"Well, he asked for relationship advice."

"…he likes a girl?"

"Possibly."

"Kakashi."

"I'm sorry, student-Agony aunt confidentiality."

"Alright it's my fault I'm sorry!"

Kakashi smirked, he had won for once!

"He wants Naruto."

"…wants? As in to spar or a shield?"

"I thought the same, but he means in bed."

A slightly shocked expression came and passed on Iruka's face before he blinked several times and smiled with a sudden happiness for his favourite ex-student.

Then his grin dropped.

"What did you tell him to do?"

"…you know… the usual…"

"Kakashi, the sofa is a cold, cold place."

"Well, you know, kinda' just- when I found out about you and stuff I just kinda' sang it out and stuff,"

"Next time, believe me when I say this, I am _not _going to accept your rings. For what it's worth, this is all your fault."

Veins could be seen rising on Iruka's forehead as Kakashi made vague descriptions of what he told Sasuke to do, making sure to leave out the part where he told Sasuke to tie Naruto to his bed, and apologised like his life was on the line.

* * *

"Ne, Sasuke, I don't know what's been happening in your mind lately- but this is weird…"

Naruto tested the restraints on his arms again as he looked up at the rope tying his wrist onto the bed frame of Sasuke Uchiha, and then at the man himself who hovered above him; rather too comfortably settled between his legs (which he had just finished tying to the bed also).

"Shh… dobe, I asked you nicely and you said yes, and now you have to be my partner."

* * *

Extra: The Message

* * *

The beep of an answering machine rang through the modest apartment as Iruka played his messages, Kakashi collapsing on the sofa since he was banished for the night. As the teacher walked into his bedroom to get the spare sheets, Naruto's voice echoed around the hallways.

"Umm… Iruka-sensei, Kakashi-sensei because I know you're there, this is Naruto… Sasuke, urr… he, well, he tied me up and wouldn't let me go until I promised to be his 'life partner'- - so I said yes so he would let me go, and then he tied me to his bed and-" a cough resounded as Naruto tried to avoid the subject, and Iruka walked slowing back into the living room; intent to kill rising softly "well, yeah… but I kinda wanna' tell you that I think I just got engaged to be married.. I'm not sure though- - and Sasuke said something about advice, so I presume that Iruka-sensei told him something, I just wanted to say thanks… night!"

Kakashi flinched as his lover approached; the wrath of Iruka promised as killing intent practically rolled off of the Chuunin. "Iruka! Its ok… my advice worked!"

"My poor little Naru! How could you!"

"I'm sorry Ruru! I promise-"

"You've ruined him! Now he's stuck with a pervert too!"

"...too?"

* * *

**A/N: **All for a ring. Poor Kakashi, trying to spoil Iruka but ending up making problems for himself.


End file.
